We are all leaders in life – whether we lead in our family, in our business, in a civic group, among peers, or in an academic health system. The key to leading successfully is effective communication. It’s funny. Most of us think we are good communicators. Famous playwright George Bernard Shaw put it best when he said, “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Are we really communicating?
Communication is about making human connections. However, all too often the hustle and bustle of our busy world causes us to go so fast that we “dump” information onto people. Then we move on to the next topic before we make sure what we said was understood the way we intended. Likewise, we miss the opportunity of receiving a response to complete the communication loop. On a two-way street of dialogue, how can we make sure we are communicating effectively?
Leadership experts gauge communication effectiveness by seven skills. The first six encompass humor, presentation, message delivery, openness/non-defensiveness, confronting problems and discerning nonverbal cues. Sharpening each of these skills is important to improving your overall success. Although truly taking communication to the next level means perfecting the seventh skill – one of life’s most important skills – listening.
That makes me think of an old Pickles comic strip by Brian Crane. Earl and Opal Pickles, a retired older couple, are sitting on a porch swing enjoying a beautiful night in each other’s company. Earl puts his arm around his wife and lovingly declares, “In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls.” Mortified, Opal responds, “Who’s Pearl, and what were you doing in the moonlight with her?”
“I hear you”
The common phrase “I hear you” can mean someone agrees with you, or it might mean that they understand your opinion, even though they disagree with it. On the other hand, those words could leave you wondering if the person was really listening to you at all. Or were they simply acknowledging that you were talking as their mind was wandering off into space? If so, you likely experienced what author Stephen R. Covey called “listening with the intent to reply.” This occurs when the listener is not truly listening at all, but instead only hears the speaker’s words to wait for a break until the listener’s own ideas can come pouring out.
Hearing is a passive skill that requires no effort. But listening is an active, mindful process of assimilating and comprehending information. To listen, one must maintain eye contact and give undivided attention. The key to effective listening is keeping an open mind without interrupting or imposing unsolicited solutions. A great listener envisions what the speaker feels, can summarize what the speaker says, and asks clarifying questions like, “When you said … what did you mean?" That way, rather than having a Pickles-like mix-up about pearls, messages are fully understood.
A final “pearl” of wisdom
While participating in an advanced leadership development program, I discovered that great leaders have strong voices and exude knowledge and passion. But their greatest skill is knowing when it’s time to listen for other points of view. That way, they gain new insights and validate the contributions of others. In leadership – as in life – listening is the foundation of building effective relationships. The most important thing you can do is embrace silence … and listen before you speak.
— Michael Reddy, Dean, UCSF School of Dentistry, Associate Vice Chancellor, Oral Health Affairs
